Thirty One Random Things

1. A former friend of mine told me in her culture, it is considered rude to give leftovers to friends, that if you want to share with your food, it means more to offer them your plate before you dig in. I don’t always remember to do this, but when I share coffee or tea, I always pour into my friends cups first and then my own.

2. The last album I listened to from beginning to end was Halsey’s If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power. The one before that was Lil Nas X’s MONTERO. So excited to see what my Spotify Wrapped looks like this year.

3. The first story I ever wrote was in sixth grade, called The Royal Spies. Think of it as a mashup of Spy Kids and Robin Hood. All four main characters were siblings and were based off of me, my sister, and two of our cousins. I so wish I still had it.

4. My top comfort shows are Murder, She Wrote Good Omens, and What We Do In the Shadow. My top comfort movies are Hot Fuzz, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, and The Emperor’s New Groove.

5. I drink my coffee with honey because one of my favorite former co-workers/friend drank his coffee that way and said it was the best. He was not wrong. Pro-tip: if you get local honey, drinking your morning coffee or tea with a spoonful of honey keeps your allergies more manageable.

6. My freshman year of high school debate class, our teacher told me that I had a wonderful voice for radio and ever since then have dreamed of having a radio show or podcast. One day, I hope.

7. Nicknames I have had in the past with no context – Ash, Little Beth, Mac, Squared, Smash, Smashley, Shley, Red.

8. One year (can’t remember which), I read over 150 books. The year after I had to sell all of my books in order to afford rent.

9. My top three tropes are found family, enemies to lovers, and the grumpy one falls in love with the sunshine one.

10. My most memorable birthday was when my auntie recreated the menu from Medieval Times Dinner & Tournament. I can’t remember what age I was, but she had the large table set up banquet style and dimmed the lights so we could have candles, and found a festive soundtrack to go with it.

11. I went to college for a General Social Studies degree with a focus in Anthropology and Psychology, transferred to an English degree a year later, and then dropped out of a college and year and half later. Most days I do regret not having a degree to show for my $45K student debt.

12. “The Hound of the Baskervilles” was the first Sherlock Holmes story I read in fourth grade. Thus began my love of Sherlock Holmes and I checked out the massive collection from my school over and over. I will watch any movie adaptation of that story. I’ve seen many of them.

13. One day I will buy an aloe vera plant. My great grandma used to have them and when I scraped my knee or got sunburned, she would take a leaf off and apply the gel. No cold lotion from the fridge! Although, yes, that is nice too.

14. Some of my favorite fairy tales as a kid that still stick with me are the Twelve Dancing Princesses, Sleeping Beauty, Beauty and the Beast, Swan Princess, The Six Swans/The Wild Swans, Alice in Wonderland, Rapunzel, the Princess and the Pea, The Little Mermaid, and Little Red Riding Hood.

15. I once got very drunk at a Ren faire and flirted (or rather tried to, my flirt game when drunk, not good) with a performer named Jacque the Whipper. Apparently he has a TikTok!

16. If it has the Moon or stars on it, there is a 99% chance I will buy it. If it has the Moon AND stars on it, I will cry thinking about Wolfstar and then buy it.

17. I did theater in high school. My favorites musicals we did were CATS and Sweeney Todd. There are times that I wish I would have continued theater but I truly think it was the (majority of the) people I was with for four years that I loved doing theater with.

18. One day I would like to own a coffee shop/book shop. But also drive a traveling library. But also live in a lighthouse. But also run a B&B in Ireland. But also live in a small seaside town that is really queer learn how to ride a bike.

19. I am moderately terrified of the deep ocean. Specifically large things with tentacles. But growing up I wanted to be a pirate and read books about mermaids and selkies too. My fear and awe of the ocean is so contradictory and I hate it.

20. More often than not, my social media bios always say Queer. That is because I shift and grow so much in my sexuality and gender and it’s so much easier to say queer. I do repost and share relatable content to all the identities I experience (asexual, bisexual, pansexual, demisexual, trans, nonbinary, genderfluid, and even more). I am sure that is confusing for people, but at this point in my life, I do not care.

21. Vampires will never go out of style. I don’t care what anyone says.

22. I started collecting enamel pins this year and am not sure which way I want to display them! I don’t have a cool jacket or one of those fun transparent panel purses. I’ll figure it out.

23. Sometimes I read old journals and cringe so hard, but then remind myself that I have grown since then. One day I will do a bonfire and toss all my old journals in. Some things just should never be found.

24. One of my favorite therapists was a laughter therapist. It’s a real thing. He was very real and my absolute favorite. Do I remember his name? No. But I remember my homework was to stop watching crime dramas and watch Parks & Rec. I needed to laugh more. We used to open our sessions with silly baby YouTube videos. Also, he appreciated my dark humor and self awareness more than any other therapist.

25. There are days that I wish I was a gamer. Because I love storylines in games. I used to watch my ex-husband play, I used to watch my cousin play, I used to watch so many of my friends play, because the music, the dialogue, the storylines. Ugh. So good. But I don’t have the skills to do so.

26. If I were to talk to my 21 year old self, I would want to shake her. Not reading romance because it’s not realistic is a not cute, being one of the guys is not all that great, HI HELLO YOU ARE VERY QUEER.

27. My first public blog (that I remember) was a comparative religion blog that I wrote as a way to keep up with my classwork my freshman year of college.

28. I only have one tattoo, which surprises most people because when you get one, they are addicting and most people tend to get more. It’s a three heart leave clover that I got with my mom and my sister. I do want about a dozen more tattoos though. Just need the right artist and money.

29. Having lived in Michigan for almost two years, a place with real distinct seasons, I’m not sure I can ever live anywhere without real seasons. Having the external seasons mimic my internal clock is a special kind of magic.

30. No matter how thick my socks are, my toes are always cold.

31. Birthdays are personal new years. I am excited to see what this new year brings.

ten things 15

1. still binging miley’s new plastic hearts album.

2. i really wish i would have kept track of all the fanfic i read this year. i only read nine books, but i am not exaggerating when i say i’ve read thousands of fanfics. ranging from 1,000 words to 500,000 words. my fave fics tend to be around 50K to 80K. again, not an exaggeration. also want to figure out how to download and put them on my kindle so i don’t have to always read on my phone.

3. these past few weeks i’ve been trying to live my best dark academia cozy aesthetic life. and i intend to carry that over for next year too. life is too short not to give in and live my obsessions.

4. i’ve been trying to figure out what to do about my virtual work. if i want to keep trying and get clients for 2021. or if i should just let that part of my work go.

5. i don’t make goals anymore for “new years”, but i do want to try my hand at digital collages and art journaling for 2021. i need another creative outlet. i can’t quite decide how or if i will share it publicly. but i want to have something to create besides just words.

6. why is it so hard to put Feelings into words?

7. my to-do list has a to-do list. i wish i were joking. you know the list of things you have to do before you do the thing? *sigh*

8. i’m really trying to finish this post before the baby gets too upset. currently he is babbling and talking to himself over the monitor. i love listening to babies talk.

9. does anyone else understand when i say “my heart stomach wants the thing but my stomach stomach doesn’t”. sometimes i eat for my heart stomach, not my stomach stomach. and then that’s a whole thing.

10. commissioning art from a friend is my favorite.

ten things 14

1. obsessed with tiktok. my absolute fave is Ash Valmont (he is LITERALLY sirius black. fight me). fairly certain i have watched every video he’s made and i don’t want to admit how many times i have watched the ones that are sirius black. my remus lupin self loves him, okay?

1a. also, birate tiktok. aka bisexual pirate tiktok. you’re welcome.

2. i’ve been trying to write this damn post for two days. one day i will have something more exciting than a list. but sometimes, this is the only way my brain can make sense of things.

3. speaking of brain. adhd brain, anxiety brain, depression brain. *sigh* they’re really hitting me right now. tell me why the fuck the sun goes down at 5 PM and i’m always ready for bed.

4. back in the day when i had a book blog (*cries in bookstagram envy*) i used to do a massive post on the books i read, and broke down the info (fiction vs nonfiction, romance, ya, sci-fi, etc.) soooo. as my pandemic/depression brain can’t focus on “real” books, do i or do i not count up the fanfics i’ve read this year? between wolfstar, drarry, and my ineffable husbands/wives….i don’t even know how many millions of words i have read. and i wish i were exaggerating…

5. currently switching between this post and my keybase/discord chats and my eyes hurt. i have all my chats set to dark mode, but alas, there is no dark mode for wordpress.

6. dark mode reminded me of dark mood which reminded me of dark academia and now i want to shop for more remus lupin sweaters. *stares at bank account*

7. ask me how many things i’ve bought this year. just kidding. please don’t ask me.

8. mild tangent: doom shopping is a thing. shopping for that dopamine hit we all so fucking desperately need during this shit year is nothing to be ashamed of. and no, i’m not just saying this to make myself feel better or justify my spending. legit, needing a way to find those small joys during this pandemic is so fucking important. i am glad i have the privilege to be able to still buy a few things here and there.

9. speaking of privilege, i am glad i got to see my family when i did, because i don’t know the next time i will feel safe to so again. seeing as how america can’t get the numbers down. it truly blows my mind how shitty this was handled. well, blows my mind and also not surprising because this administration is horrible.

10. speaking of administration. glad to see the presidential transition is happening finally and cannot wait to keep asking for biden/harris administration to be accountable as well. none of these fights and demands are over.

ten things 13

1. i have a bowl full of strawberries and blackberries that i have been eating from all day.

2. pretty sure i’ve spent most of my day staring out my window, watching the leaves swirl in mini tornados. this weird is fierce today.

3. i have a chocolate cake from my birthday yesterday, plus a sampler cake with four types of chocolate cake as an extra present cake. my people know me so well. when i said i wanted all the cake for my birthday, they delivered.

4. this whole getting dark early while i try not to use a lot of power in my camper is a struggle. i don’t like it.

5. i planned on writing a “30 things for 30” list in honor of my birthday. but i’m not sure i have the energy or mental capacity to think of 30 things. i’ll post it at some point this coming week, i hope.

6. operation keep a texan warm is on. and so far i have been able to buy two sweaters, two fleece lined leggings, wool socks, fuzzy slippers, and head band ear warmers.

7. y’all. this wind. i keep thinking it’s going to roll my camper.

8. also, i have named my camper Luna Belle. so named because of the Moon + Luna Lovegood and also Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

9. i am on day seven of quarantine post my texas trip. the prozac has kicked in so my anxiety is not too horrible and i don’t feel claustrophobic like i thought i would.

10. *sigh* have i mentioned i don’t like the early darkness?

ten things 12

1. currently debating a second cup of coffee. should probably eat something before i do that. but coffee sounds so much better than making food. hmmm, i’ll probably just make some toast.

2. i decided to sign up for nanowrimo. i can’t remember what year this is that i have participated. i have never “won”, never made more than about 10,000 words. but, maybe this year?

3. first cup of coffee, check. journaled this morning, check. meds, check. water, currently drinking my first cup.

4. my sister bought me the rules of magic by alice hoffman. i can’t wait to start reading that. it’s the prequel to practical magic. which is our favorite sister movie.

5. i have one more week here in texas. one more week with my babies, my mom, my sister, my stepdad. i am really glad i was able to make this trip. and it’s been a lot. and it will continue to be a lot. and election day is soon. and and and.

6. when i opened this up to write my ten things, i had so many things i wanted to write about. and now i can’t remember them.

7. ufyashehgirjfsdaypuitgarhlrueypgjkhfasoighsfsk

8. my mom is making me breakfast, so now i just need to get up and make my second cup of coffee.

9. pretty sure i need to do the dishes again. but yay for dishwashers!

10. my mom is making my coffee too. she’s the best, i’m supposed to be doing things for her. lolsob.

ten things 11

1. i never realized that getting blood drawn was so tiring. although, i don’t think i’ve ever had five vials taken at once. it may have been six. it was a lot, that’s all i know.

2. in the next week or so, i am heading back to texas to visit. and i have a lot of feelings about it. it’s not a “fun” trip, although i will be glad to be able to see my family again after eight months. but the medical emergency reason is not exactly how i had planned on going back. to be honest, i hadn’t planned on going back until january. to get past the holidays. to make sure they are all okay and healthy. but, the universe not so kindly reminded me that my family can get sick for other reasons. and after doing some thinking, this is the right choice for me right now.

3. i so badly want to tell y’all my reasons for going and how many times i have gone back and forth on the risk of covid-19 and the gain from being able to support my family. but i’m learning that there are people who get to know these reasons and people who don’t. and sometimes, i don’t have the energy to explain myself. and those who are close to me, know that i don’t do things lightly.

4. just ordered myself a new face mask with a nose wire and adjustable ear loops. fingers crossed this helps keep my glasses on my face. because i currently cannot wear both at the same time. my glasses fog up too much and they fall off my face if i look down.

5. i knew i should have gotten corrective eye surgery before the apocalypse.

6. my new oil heater for my camper is brilliant. it’s so damn toasty. which is great, because we have a freeze warning tonight. it comes with a remote so i can adjust it from my bed without have to get out of my warm bed.

7. the haunting of bly manor aka the story of the lesbian gardener and the american au pair. that’s it. that’s all you have to know. (okay but also hannah is amazing and so is owen.)

8. my arm is still bothering me from where the nurse drew my blood today. layers upon layers of my arm probably doesn’t help though. i’m bruised and it will probably be worse tomorrow. and i can’t sleep all curled up with my arms tucked in because my arm will get stuck. i really feel dramatic about this, but also, this was several hours ago and my arm is not back to normal, so?

9. i’m trying to follow more writers and writer coaches on instagram because i am relaly trying to focus on my writing again. i want this queer cozy mystery written and i want some short stories too. i just want to share these characters and stories that have been in my head for years.

10. does anybody else make a to-do list for the other to-do lists that you need to make? no? just me? cool.

ten things 10

1. i have another draft of this blog post, but it was started last week when so much of the news was depressing and horrifying. and let’s be real, it hasn’t really changed, but my brain is in a better headspace to write. not that my anxious + depressed mindset wasn’t worth sharing. but it felt entirely more vulnerable that i am used to. which is saying something.

2. the other day, i was trying to write a new social media bio. a catchy one that encompasses a lot of me and will let people know what they are signing up for. but i couldn’t bring myself to post it. because imposter syndrome. because masking. because non-specific. because hogwarts house. because because because because. so i’m just going to let that go for now.

3. currently obsessed with: dark academia + romantic academia. dark jewel tones + vintage neutral tones. ineffable husbands + ineffable wives. (if you know, you know.)

4. today, i wrote in my new notebook after only having this notebook for a day. i don’t think i can express how weird this is. my fellow writers probably understand. we collect notebooks and get obsessed with the perfect start or the perfect story to go in said notebooks that they generally remain unused for a while. so. yeah. this is a big deal.

5. facetime play dates with my five year old niece is one of my favorite things.

6. one of my friends made me a cocoa mix with pumpkin spice. i mixed that in with my coffee this morning and it might actually rival the mochas i used to get from my local coffee shop.

7. i keep telling myself i am not going to post here until i make this site look prettier, have more pictures, organize the categories and tags. but for now, i’m just going to keep doing this. my words are enough.

8. coffee break short stories.

9. i need to make a wishlist for my camper. maybe separate ones for more time sensitive things vs long term things. i do know that fairy lights are on my list.

10. daydreaming about dying my hair purple and blue. but also rose gold. but also draco malfoy blond. but also red. but also shaving part of my head. but also shaving all of my head. *sighs in queer frustration*

ten things 09

1. today’s music playlist includes korn, disturbed, seether, rob zombie, deftones, godsmack, and marilyn manson. i am apparently in a very specific angst spell right. i’m not mad, per se. but i have very little patience, some soft simmering rage, and it feels good to jam it out instead of yell at someone.

2. the west coast is still on fire. a few loved ones of mine have already evacuated or are needing to as the fire spreads more, as the air gets more difficult to breathe in, and it’s hard to see. i have also read earlier today that the smoke is spreading and the air quality is getting worse all the way to the midwest. i wonder if i will see it here in michigan.

3. a dash (or three) of pumpkin spice and honey in my coffee today.

4. debating pausing therapy for now. it’s helping-ish. but i also wish it was a little more. and maybe i just need to tell her that. ask for some homework or something. i’m just afraid i’m trying to do too many things. that’ another thing i should probably tell her. fine, i won’t pause therapy.

5. math is really not my strong suit. numbers are hard.

6. my to-buy book list just got so much longer. tuesdays are new book release days and every tuesday i still get surprised. and so so many queer voices this month ❤ ❤ ❤

7. current apps open: none, because i forgot that i was supposed to be doing a thing and got distracted by writing this instead. *pauses to open apps that i need* okay, still going to keep writing, though.

8. maybe i should invest in a decaf coffee too for the evening. except i have had the decaf of this brand and it tastes really different. i’m not just saying that to sound like a coffee hipster. it’s different. roasting coffee science is a thing.

9. my left knee has been hurting for a handful of days. this knee brace is working, i think. but also, it hurts even more at night and i can’t normally sleep the full night with the brace on. i feel very trapped with it under my blanket. my knee also hurts when i’ve been sitting too long. speaking of sitting, i’m queer. do you know how hard it is to sit straight? really fucking hard! (if you know, you know)

10. jkr has become umbridge (the character that was more hated than voldemort). i mean, she has been for a while, but with this most recent tripling down and releasing that new book. i just am angry. fuck. her. also, trying very hard to remember when i buy my potter fandom things, to buy from fan made stores instead so i stop giving her my money.

ten things 08

1. This past month, I bought five Harry Potter shirts, one Harry Potter sweater, a Slytherin phone case, and a Slytherin coffee mug because my fandom brings me joy. (As always, fuck Rowling and her transphobic shit.)

2. Looking at my to-do list for this week: 20 out of 42 done.

3. My last therapy session actually went great. And I’m not mad about it. I’m worried though, that I will hold myself to that session and compare all following sessions to it. And that’s not fair, because I know how mental health works and how my cycles work.

4. Day two and I’m still working on this post. 

5. Day three and I’m still working on this post. 

6. Just when I think I finally have a routine down, I get bored and stop. I read that that is a common ADHD thing. It’s a cycle: routine until you can’t, be spontaneous until you can’t. The cycle repeats. It’s mildly exhausting though. 

7. I’ve been thinking a lot of what it means for me to be neurodivergent. I currently live in a house with multiple ND folks, and it’s such a relief to be understood. Our patterns might not be the exact same, but it’s so nice to be able to talk about our habits and ways of thinking. 

8. Trying to figure out how to use Twitter again. I miss it and it’s also so different from the place I left it a few years ago. I was on there for the bookish community as a book blogger. It’s currently where I go for news and social commentaries. I’m trying to be more intentional with how I use social media. And it’s hard as fuck. Because again, cycles, routine. That goes for everything in my life. 

9. I’m not too thrilled with this ten things post. But I really want to have something to post because I miss writing and miss sharing things. 

10. I need to go upstairs and get my second cup of coffee. And make a note about pumpkin spice creamer. 

ten things 07

1. every year, for the past several years, i always forget i have seasonal affective disorder – summer time version. and every summer i get more depressed than “usual” and can’t figure out why. now let’s add the death of both of my grandmothers last summer and the pandemic exploding and increased police brutality (with the establishment of a secret police faction that is kidnapping folks off the street in unmarked vehicles). so yeah, my depression and anxiety are at 10000.

2. i’m currently sitting here drinking chai because i want it to be fall now, thank you. and i’m daydreaming about coffee shop specialty fall drinks (yes that includes pumpkin spice everything, but not that starbucks orange syrup shit, i mean, i’ll drink it if that’s the only thing i can get to, but that’s not a real pumpkin spice latte). and i want some fall dresses. and maybe finally give in to dye my hair red at home….

3. tomorrow is my second therapy appointment with my new therapist. i have a list of things to talk about. fingers crossed i actually remember that i have the list so i can reference it.

4. dark green ink pens.

5. breathing is hard today. probably one part anxiety and one part there were thunder storms today so the air is weird. but it’s also mildly anxiety inducing because pandemic.

6. filling the well, going through the artist’s way by julia cameron, morning pages. this shit is harder than i thought it would be. i should be on week six by now, i believe. and i’m only just starting week three. because i went several weeks without being able to do anything.

7. getting bursts of energy is frustrating. i don’t want bursts, because they tend to come at inopportune moments. such as: right as i think about going to bed. right when i need to actually do something else that i committed to. right as i am in the middle of doing something and then it saps all my spoons and i say “okay tomorrow then”.

8. thinking about subscribing to magazines so i can do visual journals on the day that words are too hard for me. but also afraid to start anything new because follow through is hard for me. i have an app where i can do this, but i do want to have something that i can touch and smell.

9. desperately trying to figure out what i can offer online to make money. i am burnt out in the virtual assistant world. i am skeptical of my ability to do tarot readings right now. i haven’t written online for websites since 2014 and the industry has changed quite a bit, not to mention my writing abilities. also i deleted all my resumes a long ass time ago and can’t bring myself to write another one.

10. i am going to be going through my to-do list and taking things off, not because i did them, but because i’m trying to be realistic and kind to myself. i should also start a i-did-that list so that i can see what i actually do when i’m awake.