Moon Femme Musings: Mental Health, Coffee, & Novellas

1. Thinking about taking a social media break soon. I’m not sure for how long, but it feels like something I should do for my mental health. Also debating deleting my Facebook entirely.

2. I emailed a few therapists the other day, already had one phone consultation and have another lined up for Monday morning. I am cautiously optimistic. I have a greater sense of what I want to work on and what patterns I want to stop repeating, so hopefully with those things in mind I will get more out of therapy.

3. *add all the things to cart* Ugh, do I really need these? *closes laptop immediately* I just want to treat myself damn it! *gets email* did you forget something in your cart? NO I DID NOT!

4. Homemade gyros and tzatziki sauce.

5. Fourteen tabs open with different novellas I would like to buy. Lolsob. Maybe I should read the books I have first? Except for I really wanted to theme my November to be Novella November, soooo?

6. The Chocolat soundtrack is always a good idea.

7. I poured my coffee mug way to full. Oops. Now I have to do the awkward lean over the table to slurp it out before picking it up. But somehow have to time it right so I don’t burn my lips.

8. Woke up to 53 degree weather. It’s happening, people! Autumn is happening! Now I have to dig out my long fleece pajamas. And am determined to buy flannel sheets this season for real.

9. Decisions need to be made. And they are really difficult ones. But rather make the decision for myself than have it be made for me.

10. Will I write today?

moon femme musings: naps, cramps, and british shows

one. i keep meaning to change the names of these moon femme musings. but truly don’t know what it would be to. and maybe i’m just being slightly ridiculous. i just want everything across my socials to go together and match aesthetics. even though i change my mind frequently anyways. oh well.

two. when a “i’ll just close my eyes for a few minutes” turns into two hour long nap and you still don’t feel rested.

three. this month i put myself on a book buying ban and had some lovely friends gifted me books from my wishlist. i tried very hard not to cry, because i honestly didn’t think anyone would do so. sometimes i am reminded that humanity is pretty damn beautiful.

four. these cramps are horrible.

five. i love the first line of books. i’m also obsessed with writing the perfect first lines for all my stories. so much so that i rarely ever finished writing any of them for that reason.

six. i’m on season four of midsomer murders. there are twenty something? it’s one of those older british shows that they never cancel. seriously, it started in 1997 and it’s still going. i saw a baby orlando bloom get run through with a pitchfork. i saw professor umbridge and cornelius fudge in the same episode, and that was a strange one. a few more folks that i can’t recall off the top of my head, but i love seeing actors across shows.

seven. damn, have i mentioned these cramps are horrible?

eight. dr pepper & cream soda. perhaps my new favorite soda, besides just regular dr pepper, that is.

nine. a bit bittersweet that my trip to texas is over in four days. i will miss my family here so much and it will be nice to go back to a place i consider home. i want to figure out how to see my texas family more often, but this pandemic is not getting better, and is in fact getting worse. it’s incredibly frustrating.

ten. which reminds me, i really need to look for a new therapist. i wonder if any specialize in pandemic related mental health problems?

moon femme musings: conversations, coffee, and corporate america

one. i keep meaning to use my notes app and track random things throughout my day so that i have an easier time of writing these. i want to be able to recollect my days and weeks and months, but i need to just accept that my memory is kind of shit.

two. texas. pecan. coffee. *insert happy sobbing noises*

three. it is astounding to me how quickly i get tired when i’m outside too long during this texas summer, or when i swim, or when i have three little babies hanging off of me. i’ve missed them so much.

four. my oldest leo got a nail stamper machine for her birthday and i got to use it. so i gave myself pink and purple nails and then stamped on a unicorn on my middle finger and a bunny with a rainbow on the other middle finger. gotta keep it queer, always.

five. i keep looking at my weather app and is just shows a cactus with a huge sun and says Very Hot. lolsob. that’s how i know i’m in texas.

six. i think my new favorite word is sapphic.

seven. my mom has a roomba vacuum. her name is rosie. rosie scared the shit out of me at 8:30 while i was trying to make my coffee. she picked up my cousin’s charger and keep slinging it around.

eight. texas allergies hit different than my michigan allergies. texas allergies sit in my throat and makes my eyes itchy. michigan allergies sit on my skin and give me a headache. why are bodies?

nine. yesterday had a wonderful two hour conversation with my brother in law about capitalism, our prison system, the stock market, communities, and all the things that we both hold dear. the one thing we both agree on is that our government needs a reset. also that corporate america is ruining everything for everyone.

ten. sometimes i can’t tell how much water is left in my water bottle and i go to finish the last little sip and suddenly my shirt is soaked because i tried to knock back the last third of the bottle.

moon femme musings: romanticizing, breakfast club, and to-do lists

one. i’ve been trying to romanticize my life lately. trying to remind myself that the small moments matter too and are just as important and joyful. like the first sip of coffee, putting on a new outfit right out of the dryer, brushing my teeth with a new toothbrush, making my bed, stacking my journals and books on my table. as the booktok trend goes: be your own main character.

two. headache checklist: have i had coffee yet? when was the last time i drank water? have i eaten recently? did i take my allergy meds? current answers: yes, does my morning sip to get the sleep taste out of my mouth count, define recently, yes indeed.

three. thinking about the never ending queer battle within myself of whether to grow out my hair or shave it. also, daydreaming about going to a queer hair salon and saying “surprise me”.

four. seven minutes until family breakfast club. i keep meaning to look up a recipe for banana bread. i don’t think i can make it in time for this morning’s breakfast, but maybe i can for tomorrow. also, need to make a note to make my tater tot casserole again. that was delightful.

five. one of these days, i would love to write all of these ten things in one sitting.

six. i’ve been on new meds for three weeks days and i really don’t think that i like these. now it feels like there is something missing, something that is too open in my brain. i doubt that makes sense. and it’s hard to focus, hard to remember things, and i am tired a lot more than my usual tired.

seven. i started writing this post on july 9th. it’s july 20th.

eight. oh, i am at the “i can hear my electronics humming and buzzing” stage of my adhd.

nine. thinking about my month trip to texas in august. and i’m excited and nervous. i need the pandemic to be over now, please.

ten. i wonder how many things i get done in my camper before i leave so i can come back to a new space that feels better. also wondering how many things i want to get done and see (safely) in texas to make the most of my trip.

thirty three

one. it’s three thirty-three as i type up my thirty third blog post. *insert the x-files theme song*

two. for the past several days, i have been waking up at eight thirty, out of bed by nine, so i can make my coffee and settle down at my kitchen table and start my day. i have been lighting a candle and incense each morning (which reminds me that i need to order some new incense) and have tried to journal or at least post something on instagram. anything that strikes my mood lately. on tuesday and wednesday, i had video chats and these chats always remind me that i do need face to face time with friends and family. virtual face to face, that is. still not doing a lot of in real time face to face because pandemic.

three. ’tis the season for iced coffee, but each morning, i still drink hot coffee. i feel like a horrible queer person because i don’t really do iced coffee (unless it’s made with love from loved ones). although, lately, i have been wanting to make some myself because pinterest keeps showing me summer flavored syrups. the strawberry chocolate one sounds particularly delightful.

four. this month, i’ve made family dinner twice. i made mini pancake muffins and this tater tot casserole. also learned that i need to make double the amount of mini pancake muffins. i also made this tuscan shrimp pasta with garlic bread. starting in july, i plan on making family dinner every saturday. i forgot how much i love cooking. please feel free to send me ideas! i am feeding a family of nine over the summer.

five. welp, i just got distracted for an hour updating my about page. what do y’all think?

six. when does lactaid run out? asking for myself. i think i took them with my first sip of iced coffee an hour ago…i hope they are still going to work for all this dairy. that’s what i get for getting distracted, damn it. yay adhd.

seven. speaking of adhd. i had a chat with a friend of mine about our anxiety and adhd. and how they overlap and professional tend to want to just focus on the anxiety and not on the adhd. because what happened with both of us, was this: our anxiety outweighed everything. so when we got meds for the anxiety, our adhd was like “oh, hello, is it my turn? thank you.” hoping to start my new meds that target both the anxiety and the adhd. fingers crossed and candles lit, please.

eight. i have two or three packages of books waiting at the p.o. box. i swear i will get them eventually. *lolsob*

nine. all the news about the delta variant of covid is really starting to upset me. i am planning on visiting my family july/august and i can feel my anxiety spiking as i think about this new variant and how easily this one seems to spread. and how quickly this one hits. and how long this one keeps you in hospital. i keep hearing mixed reports about current vaccines being somewhat resistant to it, but possibly not for long.

ten. to end on a lighter note: i’m going to eat these chocolate covered cherries and go watch murder, she wrote.

ten things: may fifteenth

one. the hellfire club with sebastian crane is one of my favorite patreon memberships. i attended my first virtual meeting on saturday and had so much fun. i dressed up a bit, had a london fog to drink, and enjoyed learning about jack sheppard, thievery magic of the 18th century, and added a few books to my shopping cart. i’m most excited for confessions of the fox by jordy rosenberg.

two. i set my profile picture on instagram to a blank dark green circle. i feel like i am on the edge of another shift, but can’t figure out what it is. so i kind of don’t want to be seen until i figure it out. i have no idea if that makes sense. it barely makes sense to me but it’s just what i want to do.

three. how is it already may?

four. craving oatmeal with brown sugar, honey, butter, and walnuts. also a plate of crispy bacon and hashbrowns. but also a chocolate caramel cake with ice cream.

five. i keep going back and forth on starting or joining writing groups. i’ve been in a few, but i’m never able to stick around. what do people like in writing groups? what makes them stick around? i wish i had the answers. and honestly i don’t know what the answers are for me either.

six. fun fact, i wrote the first five things on monday night, today is now saturday afternoon. what is consistent? what is finishing? i don’t know them.

seven. i went to go take a nap before i remembered that morning ashley thought it was a great idea to dump all the laundry on her bed. now afternoon ashley is cranky and their ass is going numb because they are sitting on the floor in protest.

eight. black cherry water. that is all.

nine. still determined to figure out a new website/platform for writing. but until that time, i’m going to keep doing what i’m doing. even though more often than not if feels like i’m talking into a void.

ten. the moon just moved into cancer. chani app told me so.

ten things

one. spring is such a difficult season. surge of allergies, temperamental weather, aching joints as they come out of winter. michigan spring has been difficult. the temperatures dropped for about a week, rained two days in a row, steadily climbing back to the 70s, but interspersed with lows of 30s. my body is having a hard time with all this back and forth. it reminds me of texas, honestly. never thought i would say that. although i’m glad to not have triple digit summers. i will never miss those parts of texas.

two. this banana fosters coffee is not hitting the way it did before. i think it’s because i am drinking it will eating cereal. the flavors are not compatible.

three. today is the last day of reclaiming your creativity. i have so many feelings, most of them are “i could have done more”, but also, “i’m glad i showed up as i did”. i may not have a lot of physical projects to show for this class, but the conversations, the discussions, the sharing, all of that has stuck with me and i’m glad to have been a part of it.

four. yesterday i cleaned my bed sheets, organized my books, and did my laundry, took down my insulation on the windows of my camper, and set up my couch to be a reading space.

five. it is interesting to me, the things that i write for public spaces, like this list. and how my ten things lists in my writing sanctuary group is so different. it’s like i’m channeling a different part of me when i write there versus what i write here. and i don’t think that means this here is not true, it just means there are certain pieces i am able to share here versus there. all are me. all are true. i just think it’s interesting to see the difference.

six. ah damn it, why did i read the news?

seven. oh here’s a fun thing that i did in my writing sanctuary that i want to do here. let’s play a game. the first five ads in my instagram today are: salted caramel lattes from copper cow coffee (okay, yes, please), a blue ombre lace robe from zulily (i have never shopped there, but that robe looks glorious), foundation from il makiage (never heard of them, but that ad video might sell me), SAPPHIC TRAVEL AD FROM ORBITZ (yes, please), and s’mores coffee from player one coffee (i love coffee).

eight. today in the three broomsticks (my twitter list of folks i like to keep up with) there is discussion of marvel and it’s flacon and winter soldier show, adult adhd, space movies, and how tarzan is better than frozen. sometimes twitter can be fun.

nine. realizing more and more how much i hate facebook. after my year long commitment to community tour, i think i will deactivate my account. that’s not until september though. whew.

ten. fifteen minutes until my call. i need to go warm up my coffee.

moon femme musings

one. i am really starting to feel the spring. i’m waking up earlier, have a bit more energy, allergies are already kicking my butt. the urge to clean and rearrange and move things occur quite frequently. so too the subtle lightening of my the space around me. we are less than two weeks from the spring equinox and i’ve truly never been so excited.

two. i’m reading jane eyre for the first time and it is quickly becoming one of my favorite books. also, most excited to listen to the mr rochester episode of fuckbois of literature so i can properly vent and be validated in my feelings about him. i also really want to watch the bbc four episode series starring ruth wilson as jane. hopefully i can find it easily.

three. does anyone else want to start new routines on mondays? only to have them utterly fail by wednesday? i had a lovely chat with a dear friend last week about routine and ritual and how it just doesn’t work for either of us. and that that is okay. i’m learning to be okay with going with the flow of the day and not putting too much pressure on how the day will play out. i am trying to write most evenings, a “what i did” list instead of a to-do list, that way i can see what my day actually consists of.

four. i’m not 100% sure i like this ten things list so far and it will be interesting to see if i actually post it.

five. yesterday i went through all my monthly subscriptions and canceled the ones i don’t use often. i’m still inclined to find a book box subscription, but am having a hard time justifying it at the moment when i haven’t read all the books i have and have kindle unlimited and have very actual limited space in my camper to store them all.

six. today i dusted and vacuumed my camper. still need to figure out the best was to wash and clean the fabric as it is seeming to hold a lot of dust and my allergies are only getting worse as we enter into spring. also, i bought new sheets and i hope they are as comfy as i am told.

seven. MY BOOKS ARE HERE! y’all, i accidently put the number wrong and was afraid i would never see them since i entered a house number that doesn’t exist. whew. so glad they are here.

eight. today, i talked with a dear friend of mine and she said she had to pause her book she’s wanting to write because she can’t decide where to set it. it was originally going to be present day, but then she realized she would have to include covid and actual covid life. and y’all. my mind was blown. i do not know why i didn’t realize this before. and now i’m wondering if that’s why my book i was writing has come to a pause. nothing felt right about it, it didn’t feel real. and now i am beginning to suspect this is why. i am very interested to see what writing comes out of me now that i have had this realization.

nine. holy moly i am tired. i took two benadryls and my eyes can barely stay open. this stuff knocks me out, but i didn’t much fancy more skin irritation and allergy reactions to the cats.

ten. i’m eyeing a sleep set of comfy lightweight pajamas, but can’t justify it to myself just yet.

ten things for the new moon

1. There is a thought in the writing community, specifically for writers who are socialized femme, that the reason we never get work done is because we have been conditioned to believe we have to have the perfect writing environment, which leads us to clean the entire house and manage all the errands and household things before we sit down and write. Which ultimately means many of us will never sit down to write because there is always something to be done. I struggle with this because I am someone who NEEDS my writing space to be clean. And because I have ADHD, once I start cleaning one area, I start cleaning other areas (because I have a plate in my desk that needs to go to the kitchen, and when I’m in the kitchen I realize I need to bring my clean dishes to my camper, and when I’m in my camper I realize I need to sweep the floors, and when I sweep the floors I need to take out the trash, but first I need to gather all the trash from my camper, etc). So yes, I see how that means “I will never sit down to write”, but also, maybe my brain needs to focus on cleaning first and that can be okay sometimes.

2. “So it’s safe to say that not all words, not all topics, not all stories are for every one at every moment.”

3. A London Fog on a cold, snowy day.

4. I forgot I was recording my observations yesterday. So today I’m starting again to make a list of ten things.

5. New Moon cycle on the day I start my actual cycle. It makes me extra tired. When I’m synced with the Full Moon I feel like a werewolf. In the best and most feral way.

6. Knowing her magic is being protected and loved. And maybe one day shared. But now, she is safe again.

7. My gender of the day is blurry. My body dysmorphia is a lot. It came out of nowhere, I was just changing clothes and all of a sudden “why are my boobs this big! (I’m on my period)” and why are my hips hurting (I’m on my period”. Well, everything is horrible.

8. Looking back at 1-7 and seeing how disjointed everything is makes me realize how much humans carry at any given time. It’s a lot. We’re a lot. And that’s okay.

9. “HOMESCHOOL IS BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT”. Lolsob. That kid is great.

10. Dark academia playlists on repeat.

ten things for the full moon

1. since january 1st of this year, i have read 2,745,992 words of fanfic. the shortest fic 1,169 words, the longest fic 204,421 words.

2. i have four fanfics i am plotting, one queer cozy mystery, one random thing that popped up that wants writing, and i’m trying to be more consistent here on the blog. also, five notebooks/journals and a plethora of ideas for instagram. i’m mildly overwhelmed with ideas and stuck, but i am working with a lovely creative coach who i admire and inspires me all the time.

3. i have been meaning to clean my camper for days now, but just looking at the piles of books and clothes that i need to organize is exhausting. so i haven’t done it yet.

4. my hair is obnoxiously long again, with roughly six or seven inches of blonde roots. i have no idea what i want to do with my hair. although i am tempted to ask someone to cut it off for me, just above where the blonde turns into red, so i can at least have the same color.

5. queen anne dark chocolate cordial cherries are thawing beside me. i can’t wait to eat the whole box today.

6. i have a long clothes and home decor wishlist and it pains me to look at it. some of these items have been here for months, almost a full year, but i just can’t bring myself to buy them.

7. and i have a separate wishlist for creative projects i’ve wanted to do. art journals, painting, collaging. so many things.

8. yet another wishlist for all the books i want. but i can’t decide between buying them as e-books or physical books. so my answer is to just not buy them. lolsob.

9. i am staring at my calendar, willing myself to set an schedule of sorts so i can stick to it. but i haven’t managed to do well with that in the past and don’t want to fail again. but also, i’m at that adhd stage where i need the structure.

10. ah, i forgot about that.