ten things 13

1. i have a bowl full of strawberries and blackberries that i have been eating from all day.

2. pretty sure i’ve spent most of my day staring out my window, watching the leaves swirl in mini tornados. this weird is fierce today.

3. i have a chocolate cake from my birthday yesterday, plus a sampler cake with four types of chocolate cake as an extra present cake. my people know me so well. when i said i wanted all the cake for my birthday, they delivered.

4. this whole getting dark early while i try not to use a lot of power in my camper is a struggle. i don’t like it.

5. i planned on writing a “30 things for 30” list in honor of my birthday. but i’m not sure i have the energy or mental capacity to think of 30 things. i’ll post it at some point this coming week, i hope.

6. operation keep a texan warm is on. and so far i have been able to buy two sweaters, two fleece lined leggings, wool socks, fuzzy slippers, and head band ear warmers.

7. y’all. this wind. i keep thinking it’s going to roll my camper.

8. also, i have named my camper Luna Belle. so named because of the Moon + Luna Lovegood and also Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

9. i am on day seven of quarantine post my texas trip. the prozac has kicked in so my anxiety is not too horrible and i don’t feel claustrophobic like i thought i would.

10. *sigh* have i mentioned i don’t like the early darkness?

ten things 12

1. currently debating a second cup of coffee. should probably eat something before i do that. but coffee sounds so much better than making food. hmmm, i’ll probably just make some toast.

2. i decided to sign up for nanowrimo. i can’t remember what year this is that i have participated. i have never “won”, never made more than about 10,000 words. but, maybe this year?

3. first cup of coffee, check. journaled this morning, check. meds, check. water, currently drinking my first cup.

4. my sister bought me the rules of magic by alice hoffman. i can’t wait to start reading that. it’s the prequel to practical magic. which is our favorite sister movie.

5. i have one more week here in texas. one more week with my babies, my mom, my sister, my stepdad. i am really glad i was able to make this trip. and it’s been a lot. and it will continue to be a lot. and election day is soon. and and and.

6. when i opened this up to write my ten things, i had so many things i wanted to write about. and now i can’t remember them.

7. ufyashehgirjfsdaypuitgarhlrueypgjkhfasoighsfsk

8. my mom is making me breakfast, so now i just need to get up and make my second cup of coffee.

9. pretty sure i need to do the dishes again. but yay for dishwashers!

10. my mom is making my coffee too. she’s the best, i’m supposed to be doing things for her. lolsob.

ten things 11

1. i never realized that getting blood drawn was so tiring. although, i don’t think i’ve ever had five vials taken at once. it may have been six. it was a lot, that’s all i know.

2. in the next week or so, i am heading back to texas to visit. and i have a lot of feelings about it. it’s not a “fun” trip, although i will be glad to be able to see my family again after eight months. but the medical emergency reason is not exactly how i had planned on going back. to be honest, i hadn’t planned on going back until january. to get past the holidays. to make sure they are all okay and healthy. but, the universe not so kindly reminded me that my family can get sick for other reasons. and after doing some thinking, this is the right choice for me right now.

3. i so badly want to tell y’all my reasons for going and how many times i have gone back and forth on the risk of covid-19 and the gain from being able to support my family. but i’m learning that there are people who get to know these reasons and people who don’t. and sometimes, i don’t have the energy to explain myself. and those who are close to me, know that i don’t do things lightly.

4. just ordered myself a new face mask with a nose wire and adjustable ear loops. fingers crossed this helps keep my glasses on my face. because i currently cannot wear both at the same time. my glasses fog up too much and they fall off my face if i look down.

5. i knew i should have gotten corrective eye surgery before the apocalypse.

6. my new oil heater for my camper is brilliant. it’s so damn toasty. which is great, because we have a freeze warning tonight. it comes with a remote so i can adjust it from my bed without have to get out of my warm bed.

7. the haunting of bly manor aka the story of the lesbian gardener and the american au pair. that’s it. that’s all you have to know. (okay but also hannah is amazing and so is owen.)

8. my arm is still bothering me from where the nurse drew my blood today. layers upon layers of my arm probably doesn’t help though. i’m bruised and it will probably be worse tomorrow. and i can’t sleep all curled up with my arms tucked in because my arm will get stuck. i really feel dramatic about this, but also, this was several hours ago and my arm is not back to normal, so?

9. i’m trying to follow more writers and writer coaches on instagram because i am relaly trying to focus on my writing again. i want this queer cozy mystery written and i want some short stories too. i just want to share these characters and stories that have been in my head for years.

10. does anybody else make a to-do list for the other to-do lists that you need to make? no? just me? cool.

ten things 10

1. i have another draft of this blog post, but it was started last week when so much of the news was depressing and horrifying. and let’s be real, it hasn’t really changed, but my brain is in a better headspace to write. not that my anxious + depressed mindset wasn’t worth sharing. but it felt entirely more vulnerable that i am used to. which is saying something.

2. the other day, i was trying to write a new social media bio. a catchy one that encompasses a lot of me and will let people know what they are signing up for. but i couldn’t bring myself to post it. because imposter syndrome. because masking. because non-specific. because hogwarts house. because because because because. so i’m just going to let that go for now.

3. currently obsessed with: dark academia + romantic academia. dark jewel tones + vintage neutral tones. ineffable husbands + ineffable wives. (if you know, you know.)

4. today, i wrote in my new notebook after only having this notebook for a day. i don’t think i can express how weird this is. my fellow writers probably understand. we collect notebooks and get obsessed with the perfect start or the perfect story to go in said notebooks that they generally remain unused for a while. so. yeah. this is a big deal.

5. facetime play dates with my five year old niece is one of my favorite things.

6. one of my friends made me a cocoa mix with pumpkin spice. i mixed that in with my coffee this morning and it might actually rival the mochas i used to get from my local coffee shop.

7. i keep telling myself i am not going to post here until i make this site look prettier, have more pictures, organize the categories and tags. but for now, i’m just going to keep doing this. my words are enough.

8. coffee break short stories.

9. i need to make a wishlist for my camper. maybe separate ones for more time sensitive things vs long term things. i do know that fairy lights are on my list.

10. daydreaming about dying my hair purple and blue. but also rose gold. but also draco malfoy blond. but also red. but also shaving part of my head. but also shaving all of my head. *sighs in queer frustration*

ten things 09

1. today’s music playlist includes korn, disturbed, seether, rob zombie, deftones, godsmack, and marilyn manson. i am apparently in a very specific angst spell right. i’m not mad, per se. but i have very little patience, some soft simmering rage, and it feels good to jam it out instead of yell at someone.

2. the west coast is still on fire. a few loved ones of mine have already evacuated or are needing to as the fire spreads more, as the air gets more difficult to breathe in, and it’s hard to see. i have also read earlier today that the smoke is spreading and the air quality is getting worse all the way to the midwest. i wonder if i will see it here in michigan.

3. a dash (or three) of pumpkin spice and honey in my coffee today.

4. debating pausing therapy for now. it’s helping-ish. but i also wish it was a little more. and maybe i just need to tell her that. ask for some homework or something. i’m just afraid i’m trying to do too many things. that’ another thing i should probably tell her. fine, i won’t pause therapy.

5. math is really not my strong suit. numbers are hard.

6. my to-buy book list just got so much longer. tuesdays are new book release days and every tuesday i still get surprised. and so so many queer voices this month ❤ ❤ ❤

7. current apps open: none, because i forgot that i was supposed to be doing a thing and got distracted by writing this instead. *pauses to open apps that i need* okay, still going to keep writing, though.

8. maybe i should invest in a decaf coffee too for the evening. except i have had the decaf of this brand and it tastes really different. i’m not just saying that to sound like a coffee hipster. it’s different. roasting coffee science is a thing.

9. my left knee has been hurting for a handful of days. this knee brace is working, i think. but also, it hurts even more at night and i can’t normally sleep the full night with the brace on. i feel very trapped with it under my blanket. my knee also hurts when i’ve been sitting too long. speaking of sitting, i’m queer. do you know how hard it is to sit straight? really fucking hard! (if you know, you know)

10. jkr has become umbridge (the character that was more hated than voldemort). i mean, she has been for a while, but with this most recent tripling down and releasing that new book. i just am angry. fuck. her. also, trying very hard to remember when i buy my potter fandom things, to buy from fan made stores instead so i stop giving her my money.

ten things 08

1. This past month, I bought five Harry Potter shirts, one Harry Potter sweater, a Slytherin phone case, and a Slytherin coffee mug because my fandom brings me joy. (As always, fuck Rowling and her transphobic shit.)

2. Looking at my to-do list for this week: 20 out of 42 done.

3. My last therapy session actually went great. And I’m not mad about it. I’m worried though, that I will hold myself to that session and compare all following sessions to it. And that’s not fair, because I know how mental health works and how my cycles work.

4. Day two and I’m still working on this post. 

5. Day three and I’m still working on this post. 

6. Just when I think I finally have a routine down, I get bored and stop. I read that that is a common ADHD thing. It’s a cycle: routine until you can’t, be spontaneous until you can’t. The cycle repeats. It’s mildly exhausting though. 

7. I’ve been thinking a lot of what it means for me to be neurodivergent. I currently live in a house with multiple ND folks, and it’s such a relief to be understood. Our patterns might not be the exact same, but it’s so nice to be able to talk about our habits and ways of thinking. 

8. Trying to figure out how to use Twitter again. I miss it and it’s also so different from the place I left it a few years ago. I was on there for the bookish community as a book blogger. It’s currently where I go for news and social commentaries. I’m trying to be more intentional with how I use social media. And it’s hard as fuck. Because again, cycles, routine. That goes for everything in my life. 

9. I’m not too thrilled with this ten things post. But I really want to have something to post because I miss writing and miss sharing things. 

10. I need to go upstairs and get my second cup of coffee. And make a note about pumpkin spice creamer. 

ten things 07

1. every year, for the past several years, i always forget i have seasonal affective disorder – summer time version. and every summer i get more depressed than “usual” and can’t figure out why. now let’s add the death of both of my grandmothers last summer and the pandemic exploding and increased police brutality (with the establishment of a secret police faction that is kidnapping folks off the street in unmarked vehicles). so yeah, my depression and anxiety are at 10000.

2. i’m currently sitting here drinking chai because i want it to be fall now, thank you. and i’m daydreaming about coffee shop specialty fall drinks (yes that includes pumpkin spice everything, but not that starbucks orange syrup shit, i mean, i’ll drink it if that’s the only thing i can get to, but that’s not a real pumpkin spice latte). and i want some fall dresses. and maybe finally give in to dye my hair red at home….

3. tomorrow is my second therapy appointment with my new therapist. i have a list of things to talk about. fingers crossed i actually remember that i have the list so i can reference it.

4. dark green ink pens.

5. breathing is hard today. probably one part anxiety and one part there were thunder storms today so the air is weird. but it’s also mildly anxiety inducing because pandemic.

6. filling the well, going through the artist’s way by julia cameron, morning pages. this shit is harder than i thought it would be. i should be on week six by now, i believe. and i’m only just starting week three. because i went several weeks without being able to do anything.

7. getting bursts of energy is frustrating. i don’t want bursts, because they tend to come at inopportune moments. such as: right as i think about going to bed. right when i need to actually do something else that i committed to. right as i am in the middle of doing something and then it saps all my spoons and i say “okay tomorrow then”.

8. thinking about subscribing to magazines so i can do visual journals on the day that words are too hard for me. but also afraid to start anything new because follow through is hard for me. i have an app where i can do this, but i do want to have something that i can touch and smell.

9. desperately trying to figure out what i can offer online to make money. i am burnt out in the virtual assistant world. i am skeptical of my ability to do tarot readings right now. i haven’t written online for websites since 2014 and the industry has changed quite a bit, not to mention my writing abilities. also i deleted all my resumes a long ass time ago and can’t bring myself to write another one.

10. i am going to be going through my to-do list and taking things off, not because i did them, but because i’m trying to be realistic and kind to myself. i should also start a i-did-that list so that i can see what i actually do when i’m awake.

ten things 06

1. i finally put my mail on hold. i’ve only meant to do that the past few months so my papa isn’t bombarded by junk mail and bills.

2. making a pros and cons list isn’t as therapeutic as i thought it would be.

3. my to-do list seems to get longer. for every one thing i am able to check off, a handful of new things pops up.

4. tobacco & patchouli paddywax candles are my favorite. a dear friend sent me on and then i ordered another one.

5. slowly accumulating slytherin (aka dark academia) aesthetic things. one day, when i have a house of my own, or an apartment, each room is going to be based on the hogwarts houses. i don’t care what anyone thinks. rowling sucks, but the wizarding world belongs to the fans now. so.

6. i have seven pages of a wolfstar fanfic written. i’m excited and not sure if i will post it on ao3, but i will share it amongst my friends for sure.

7. i have a massive bruise on my right thigh and i’m not entirely sure where it came from? i suspect it comes from falling and shuffling around in my chair while we sorted through books last night. but i can’t be certain.

8. laundry is on my to-do list. all my clothes, blankets, sheets, etc. i’ve needed to for three days now, just kept forgetting. oops.

9. there are so many overlaps with anxiety, ADHD, and autism that i just sit there and think to myself “yup, yup, all of that is me. fantastic.” it’s interesting to me how neurodivergence works.

10. one day i am going to do something more than post here once or twice a month. one day.

ten things 05

1. a little over a week ago, i fell down the stairs and landed right on my tailbone. it’s bruised and it hurt like hell. you never realize how many muscles are connected to your tailbone until you bruise it and move around. sitting down, standing up, rolling over in bed, even just laying down on my back. this reminds me that i really should take an anatomy class one day…

2. dan radcliffe, emma watson, evanna lynch, and so many more Harry Potter actors made a statement against j.k. rowling’s latest transphobic tweet. *continues reading all the LGBTQIA fanfics*

3. i have been texting my sisters about the protests, about the positive changes that are happening (because protests work). hoping that they continue questioning and reading and educating themselves on the black lives matter movement, why defunding the police is important.

4. it’s simultaneously easy and difficult to forget that the country is in the middle of a pandemic. so many people are trying to go to back to normal, using the protests as a “well, looks like we can go to brunch now”.

5. last week i got a package from my aunt with my summer clothes and a few books. when i opened the box and took out the clothes, i started crying because it smelled like my grandparents’ house. i was not prepared for the emotion and was hit with so many emotions for the next two days.

6. june 07th marked the one year of my nina’s passing. june 14th will mark the one year of my grandma’s passing. this is a a really shitty month so far.

7. my stomach has been hurting since the start of this month. probably anxiety related, possible grief related, and some days i just don’t want to eat anything. other days i wish i could just eat all the sweets and drink dr pepper. probably not a good coping mechanism for my blood sugar, but it makes me feel better.

8. i have been in michigan for four months. it doesn’t feel that long and it feels longer. time is weird and marking the time going by is difficult. especially when my sleep schedule is so opposite the “norm”. it’s a good day if i get to sleep by 4 am and wake up by 2 pm. but that doesn’t include the waking up every two to four hours and having to figure out how to get comfortable again.

9. fucking hell, my legs are asleep. i’m sitting on the floor in the lounge room, on a pillow so my tailbone doesn’t hurt, in the same cross legged position for thirty minutes. oops. one leg is at that weird tingly stage and the other is at the can’t feel anything but it kind of feels like my muscles are full of mush. (this makes sense in my head)

10. in other weird news, i have leon bridge’s cover of “pony” stuck in my head. so. there’s that.

xx

ten things 04

1. Let’s pretend it hasn’t been seven months since I’ve written on this blog. Okay? Okay.

2. Speaking of months: I’ve been in Michigan for three months. I came here in February for work, then pandemic happened. It’s not currently safe for me to travel or live in Texas, so I am here until who knows when.

3. Today, I had a FaceTime play date with my niblings. My Leo ran around the yard with me so we could chase the dog together. My Scorpio locked me in a play stove and almost dropped me in a water bowl while showing me his new rubber ducks.

4. I have 33 audio files from two different online summits & 22 downloaded podcasts that I have not listened to yet. My attention span is not great right now.

5. My insomnia is the worst it’s ever been this past week. Full Moon + cycle + depression. Four out of seven days were spent in my bed. I just could not be bothered to move except to pee.

6. I did just get The Artist’s Way book/Morning Pages journal/Workbook and am hoping by going through it, that I will be able to get my brain out of this fog. But also, trying to give myself some grace because my brain is probably in self-preservation mode because pandemic.

7. I wonder how long I’m going to keep saying “because pandemic”? When are things not going to be related to this pandemic?

8. Currently craving: chocolate chocolate chip pancakes with lots of syrup and extra crispy bacon from IHOP, hashbrowns from McDonald’s, and fancy as fuck caramel lattes from a fancy cafe.

9. Social media has been difficult for me lately. I’m not posting as much, not sharing as much. Because there is just too much.

10. One day, I’m going to gather all of my writings from the past few months and keep it together as my COVID journals. Not that I have been writing very much. But every now and then I get on these writing binges. But more often than not, my writing looks like a list of Ten Things.