1. every year, for the past several years, i always forget i have seasonal affective disorder – summer time version. and every summer i get more depressed than “usual” and can’t figure out why. now let’s add the death of both of my grandmothers last summer and the pandemic exploding and increased police brutality (with the establishment of a secret police faction that is kidnapping folks off the street in unmarked vehicles). so yeah, my depression and anxiety are at 10000.
2. i’m currently sitting here drinking chai because i want it to be fall now, thank you. and i’m daydreaming about coffee shop specialty fall drinks (yes that includes pumpkin spice everything, but not that starbucks orange syrup shit, i mean, i’ll drink it if that’s the only thing i can get to, but that’s not a real pumpkin spice latte). and i want some fall dresses. and maybe finally give in to dye my hair red at home….
3. tomorrow is my second therapy appointment with my new therapist. i have a list of things to talk about. fingers crossed i actually remember that i have the list so i can reference it.
4. dark green ink pens.
5. breathing is hard today. probably one part anxiety and one part there were thunder storms today so the air is weird. but it’s also mildly anxiety inducing because pandemic.
6. filling the well, going through the artist’s way by julia cameron, morning pages. this shit is harder than i thought it would be. i should be on week six by now, i believe. and i’m only just starting week three. because i went several weeks without being able to do anything.
7. getting bursts of energy is frustrating. i don’t want bursts, because they tend to come at inopportune moments. such as: right as i think about going to bed. right when i need to actually do something else that i committed to. right as i am in the middle of doing something and then it saps all my spoons and i say “okay tomorrow then”.
8. thinking about subscribing to magazines so i can do visual journals on the day that words are too hard for me. but also afraid to start anything new because follow through is hard for me. i have an app where i can do this, but i do want to have something that i can touch and smell.
9. desperately trying to figure out what i can offer online to make money. i am burnt out in the virtual assistant world. i am skeptical of my ability to do tarot readings right now. i haven’t written online for websites since 2014 and the industry has changed quite a bit, not to mention my writing abilities. also i deleted all my resumes a long ass time ago and can’t bring myself to write another one.
10. i am going to be going through my to-do list and taking things off, not because i did them, but because i’m trying to be realistic and kind to myself. i should also start a i-did-that list so that i can see what i actually do when i’m awake.